Birkenstocks W/ Socks; Post-Modernist Not Dead Or Too Ironic To Be Cute?

Socks With Sandals Style

As pastiche and irony continue to exhaust themselves as an aesthetic, yet another 90s era fashion faux pas has been deemed the hottest commodity since stretch tattoo chokers.

The former neck-bearding, asthmatic German naturalist uniform—socks with sandals—has formally reintroduced itself on New York Fashion Week runways, the pages of Vogue, and of course, upon the ever-layered Olson twins.

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Get the look!

The earliest evidence of wearing socks with sandals is officially documented at an archaeological site situated between Dishforth and Leeming in North Yorkshire, England. Contentious carbon-dating suggests that Romans wore socks with sandals at least 2,000 years ago.

When In Rome

Since 2010, socks and sandals have grown increasingly popular. However, there seems to still be some dispute as to what kind of socks are deemed nouveau riche and which are capable of reaching the staggered echelons of high fashion.

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Birkenstock Arizona Oiled Leather in Black

Apparently, the length of the sock should not exceed roughly five inches above the ankle when “scrunched.” Exceptions to this rule are noted when the shoe has a significant amount of heel, but must also include ankle straps to be considered chic. That being said, notable “street-style” fashionistas have also been seen maintaining the ankle sock with their “ugly-pretty” sandals.

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The Birkenstock Arizona Suede in Mocha

As for the material, only socks that exhibit a 1:5 cost ratio between themselves and the shoe they’re complimenting are acceptable. For example, if your Birkenstocks cost you $120, your matching socks must hover between $20-$24. Exceptions to this rule include socks made out of the chin hairs of an endangered mountain goat, or socks actually manufactured in the U.S.

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Birkenstock Arizona Oiled Leather in Black

Acceptable patterns, however, are more loosely defined. Anything from marbled wool to acid-induced dripping pizza slices are a go, as are Lolita-lace trims, neon pot leaves, and polka-dots.

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Get the Look!

According to Glam Radar, ladies who sock & sandal should “keep it low – heeled and light – hued for that easy aura and pair it up with something dainty like a lace dress.”

Once you’ve established your aura matches perfectly with Spring 2016’s trendiest color—rose quartz—be sure to fit your sole to a Birkenstock orthotic footbed that will not only support your arches, metatarsal, and ankle, but will help keep your chakras aligned as well.

Ignore the oozing satire if you actually wear socks with sandals for circulatory improvement or other health related necessities.

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